Blog

5/12/25
Today was an embarrassing day. I only sold 14,420 houses. While showing one of them, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and accidentally came a little—in front of the potential buyers. They started screaming at me, saying their kids were traumatized and yelling things like, “This isn’t a K-Mart, you can’t just do whatever you want!”

Earlier, I had to take the fattest shit of my life while listening to Eye of the Tiger. When I was done shitting out what felt like my intestines, I flew across the street to Starbucks and complained that they must have spiked my Triple Cum Moist Latte Grande Deluxe with laxatives or something. The Asian manager got on his knees, begging me for forgiveness, even offering up his barista’s kneecaps in exchange. I told him it was too late, that what’s done is done—so he pulled a samurai sword off the wall and fell on it. I didn’t even know what to say. I just ordered another Triple Cum Moist Latte Grande Deluxe—this time with extra breast milk to balance out whatever had caused the digestive disaster—and moved on with my day.

On the way home, I hit a deer shaped like a human child with my Lamborghini Gallardo (sports performance package). It shattered my windshield. I removed the rest of it bare-handed and covered the gap with Saran wrap. After I ran back into Starbucks to grab some napkins, I came back out and the car was gone. Thankfully, they left the tires.

Anyway, that’s about it for today’s blog. Hopefully tomorrow’s better.

5/13/25
Today was an absolute disaster.

5/14/25
This week was so depressing that I decided to kill myself. I bashed my brains in with the skull of a Ryansaurus until I died. Then, when I was feeling better, I came back to life and made my morning coffee.

I went to work, and while browsing r/dropshipping, I remembered I’d left my power transformer on. I rushed back and tried to turn it off with a tire iron. Shortly after, I was arrested for attempted terrorism. I bailed myself out once I realized the officer wasn’t falling for my seduction acts. On my way out the officer covered his bodycam with his fat cock and gave me his number. After i took it i asked for his phone number and i plan on calling him later. To finish off today i ate caviar out of a strippers ass and slapped my cock on her pussy to see if roaches would come out. Anyways my Sam fam, that's going to be it for today, always remember to never, ever listen to anyone when they tell you that trimming your pubic hair, will rid you of crab infestation. Use a toothbrush and RAID instead.

5/18/2024

On my way to work today, i ran over my cat with my razor scooter. RIP Freddie, you will be missed. When i got to the Starbucks, i flashed the bartender, and stuck my dick in the tip cup. When i got to work i started grinding harder than ever; I must have cranked out 6 loads at the bank, I'm STILL sore. On my way home i stopped by a gay porn shoot, and i asked if they take walk-in's. I opened the door and my giant shlong casted a shadow on the little twinks face. By the time we were finished with him, he was PLASTERED in cum head to toe, and the other guys didn't even finish yet. When i got home i was so exhausted that i didnt even bother beating one of my girlfriends for burning dinner, i just went straight to bed and rubbed one out. I woke up 3 hours later to check on my stocks and figured i would finish today's blog while i was at it. Sammy signin out 🫡

5/19/2024

I was feeling a little quirky today so i went back in time to assassinate Hitler during the height of his influence, but i missed and hit Georg Elser instead, god I'm such an Aquarius! 

5/23/2025

I dipped my fat cock into Arby's Buffalo dipping sauce and dick slapped the twink at the Arby's window and proceeded to drag my nuts across his chin to wipe it off. He ran off crying and 4 minutes later the manager came over and asked for their turn. I was all out of sauce by that point so I just went in dry, i gave the manager a 3rd degree rug burn with my hairy nutsack and she started slobbin on my knob. Traffic was piling up behind us because we were taking too long and the hungry wrungry customers were getting angrier by the second and were demanding their greek gyro's.  I had to do something quick to calm down the mob so i equipped my nipple tassels and started giving them a dance; It didn't work for very long so i had to speed out of there in my Lamborghini Gallardo (Sports performance package). When i got home i was pissed because my gyro was cold and my sauce disappeared. Anyway, i think i will just go to McDonalds next time.

5/24/2025

Me and my femboys got drunk and went to a senior citizen home and euthanized all the old people. On the way home my boyf drove us up an embankment and hit a exon tank and it exploded. Everyone died except us, he later hung himself in a taco bell bathroom from the guilt.

5/25/2025

I met a MILF at a gas station earlier today, I scraped the fuck out of her dried up raisin clit and gave her a goodie bag, slapped her ass, and sent her on her way home. Turns out she actually had Alzheimer's and had no idea where she was, but that's okay because the lion doesn't concern himself with abstract concepts such as "consent" or "tall bottoms/short tops". When i got home i straight up shlorked it, and by it, of course i mean my peanits. I sent baby batter flying at my wall and it looked like the one paint scene from SpongeBob. by the end of my triple goon session, the walls were COVERED in semen. I swear to god i practically gave birth from the amount of sperm that was now introduced to the world that is "outside my nutsack". By this point my house was in absolute ruin, i hired contractors to demolish the house with all of my servants inside it and i had a Wing stop built in place of what was my old "Load Aboad". I am currently homeless living on my yacht and will be looking for new places. That's about it for today, remember to always zip tie your condoms and stay black. Ill see yall later.

6/11/2025

I was at the arts and crafts store looking for some Velcro because i was trying to hang my dick from my facial hair, and you will never guess who i saw--IT WAS NEPPTI. We caught up with each other and then he got off me and asked for my snapchat. I declined his request because my snapchat is exclusively for minors and overpriced drugs, but i did give him my business card. When i got home i sat down at my desk to play some new world, and scooted up my chair and accidentally crushed my dick under the wheel. It hurt so bad that i had to start massaging it to make it feel better. It sued me for sexual harassment and took custody of the kids and half of SamCorp. I am currently suffering from alcoholism due to this whole situation while that fucking DICK is sleeping with my ex boyfriend nepti. I will get over this eventually but the blog will probably continue to be pushed out at a snails pace. I hope all of you understand. Sammy scrotum signin out, peace playas.